Silent Tumblrian

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

Don’t expect me to always be the kid who smiles and nods to whatever you do or say. At some point, when things start piling up on my shoulders and you happen to tip over the avalanche, you will see how cold and thoughtless I can be, I will bitch about every little thing you do.

But after all that, I’d still feel bad for being that way to you. I’d still feel sorry for everything I might have said or done. I might be hard to understand, but trust me, I’ve tried so much harder to understand you than you have tried understanding me.

Just when you thought you’ve made it, regret will hit you so hard from places you won’t expect.

I thought I’m over it. I thought it was over. I thought it was fine, I’d make it through without a scratch. Guess I was wrong.

I feel ashamed that all it needs is one song to break me down. Now I’m spiraling down this road of regret and depression. But I must admit, it was foolish of me to think I would go through it without getting hurt and now I’m paying the price.

It hurts so much more when it’s unexpected. Right now, I actually feel like this:

But I promised myself I’d be as strong as I can be without her, so I’d rather be like this:

 (on the outside)

 (on the inside)

I think I’m slowly going insane.

I have three voices in my head. Two of which I cannot control and are currently bickering like 5 year olds. The last one is the one I can actually control but unfortunately it always gets interrupted. I’m hoping this will turn out okay but to be honest, I’m actually worried about this. I think I’m going to need help when I’m older. :)) =))  

Let me get this straight.

uninspired2buninspiring:

If you start talking to me everyday and night, I’m obviously gonna get attached to you. Even if I never planned to in the first place, I will. So before you start getting close to me, make sure that you won’t just suddenly leave me. Cause you know, that happens to me a lot.

(Source: judyeungg)

oki, with my current indecision, looks like I’ll be using tumblr more again. :))

I don’t know if should continue following what she said and the rules we made about not keeping secrets and always opening up to each other or just shut up and keep it to myself. It looks like the more I open up, the more I share my feelings with her, more problems arise, the more it gets complicated between us. So I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I should continue telling her how I feel, or just shut up, or limit myself on how much I say. But if I would limit myself, to what extent? And what if she notices and keeps asking? Should I deny it or tell her straight? I don’t know what to do, I don’t even know if we’ll ever talk the same way again. :( Although I want to tell her that I’ve changed, I can’t because I’m afraid that it might bring past problems back and I know she doesn’t like that. :( I’m so confused, but for now, I’ll just have faith on us and keep looking forward. It’s not like I can do anything else about it. :)

If this goes unattended… I’ll undergo another change in myself at some point…Sh*t!